Triumphs and Tribulations

2020 started great! We spoke our resolutions and wrote them down to ensure they were real. We had plans, goals, wants, needs, and optimistic attitudes to make the year great. We hadn't planned on having another baby, but God saw differently. 

I took a test because I felt a little off, but I never in my wildest dreams thought it would be true. I got dinner on the table and as soon as I was alone, I took the test out of my back pocket. There it was:

PREGNANT.

The word that changes everything. The word that excites and scares you to no end. The word that meant Ellie Mae would be a big sister. I was giddy, nervous, happy, surprised, and could not keep it inside. I told Stephen immediately. It didn't take us long (maybe 5 minutes), and we were discussing our now future. It all looked so different than yesterday. Our lives were going to change in the best way possible for the second time. We were over the moon. 

The next few days were filled with more plans, talks of announcements, names, and all the little details that go into having a baby. We found out we were pregnant with Ellie Mae around the same time as this, so we never thought of it as anything other than real. 

Sunday morning, we go to church and I discovered that I was having a miscarriage. My heart dropped. I sat in the bathroom stall for a solid minute or two just thinking about what to do next. I got my husband and told him I thought I was losing the baby. Church was starting and I had to sing in the praise team. I don't know if it was because of where I was or who was with me, but I had a sense of overwhelming peace come over me and I made it through the whole set. No one, except maybe our best friends, could tell something was wrong. 

By the time I had my blood work done, it was negative. They say it was a chemical pregnancy, which is a very early miscarriage. So early, most people who have these don't even know they are pregnant. Lucky me, I took the test at the exact right time to know. Not early enough for it to be any better. And not early enough for me to not get my hopes up. I feel like this is a blessing and a curse. 

A curse because if I would've waited, I wouldn't have had this heartbreak. I wouldn't have felt like a failure. I wouldn't have to worry about using the word 'miscarriage' to describe one of my babies. I would never have known the difference. 

A blessing because I knew I had another sweet child on the way. I knew I was going to be a mom again and that Ellie would be a big sister. I knew I would get to watch my husband father and adore two sweet babies. I knew I loved it the moment I saw the word. I knew it was real. I felt it. I never thought of it in any other way than my second baby, a blessing. 

All in an instant, the promise of that new child was gone. It stung. What makes it worse is I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to keep it hidden. I didn't know who to go to. I need to talk about things when they are on my chest, otherwise, I bust. I couldn't break down. I have a family, a church family, a job. I had to keep it together even though every fiber of my being was being pulled down. 

In moments like these. it is proven to me there is a God. My God. What a wonderful, everlasting, calming, sovereign, way-maker. What would I do in this life without the guidance and peace I receive from Him daily? I honestly do not know. My God was there the whole time. He has helped me stand in the moments I just want to fall. He has helped me understand others in a way I never could before. I already miss our sweet baby, but I know it is in Heaven waiting for us to come there one day. I hope I can continue to be a beacon of light to those around me going through similar situations. God will always use our circumstances for good. 

Peace. Peace is the word not often said in this situation. I have moments of anger, sadness, loneliness, and confusion, followed by moments of triumph, gratefulness, and love. I feel honored to have been trusted with this life, as short as it may have been, but I know I am not alone. I have peace because of that. God has allowed my heart to start healing in the best way it can. 

"I have told you these things, so that in Me, you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" -John 16:33