Why God didn't give me a perfect child

I have heard it a million times.

"God doesn't give you anything you can't handle"

I have always been slightly perplexed by this statement. I know God gives us trials to make us stronger. In faith, in life, with people, in hard situations, you name it, but it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are the one jumping a hurdle.

I always thought I would have the perfect child. Who doesn't? I never really dreamed of being a mother until I saw that positive test. Our lives changed in an instant. I constantly thought about who she would be for (almost) 9 months. I prayed she would be healthy, happy, and good. When I first laid eyes on her, I was amazed. Amazed I could love something so tiny. The kind of love you didn't know could exist for this tiny human you just met. All of sudden, I was a mom. I was ready. I was willing to do anything and everything for her to have everything she could possibly need in this life. I wanted to be the perfect mom (haha). She was a month early, so tiny, so perfect, so healthy, and everything we ever wanted.

Then something changed. We noticed Ellie was having these moments of intense straining. We just thought she was trying to use the bathroom (I know, TMI), but it's true. She would tense up super stiff, grunt, turn red, and her eyes would twitch from side to side. We started calling it "the hulk" not thinking it had anything really serious attached. It wasn't until my mother in law said it could be something else that we decided to go to the doctor. Well, after many tests and doctor visits later, we learned Ellie Mae has Complex Partial Epilepsy. Her seizures are short, come from the left side, and have her in a confused state at times. We felt awful. We had no idea that is what those tense ups were.

My husband and I were in a dark place for a while. We wanted to do what was best for our child. We went to every doctors' visit. We read every article. We learned everything we could about seizures and what we should do for Ellie to get better. The worst thing is the majority of what we had to do was wait. We prayed for her every day. We asked others to pray for her.

We got our church involved. They prayed for her and still pray for her every day. They ask about her often and always let us know how loved our little girl is. They truly are a great family to be a part of. One Sunday, we took Ellie down to the altar to pray over her. She was having a week-long hospital stay starting the next day and we were very anxious. As everyone had a hand on our daughter, praying for her health and strength, she had a seizure right there while we were all on our knees.

We wept.

It seemed like every time we tried to praise God for what he was doing for Ellie or pray for her to have all this leave her, she would start seizing again. She has had a long stint of no seizures the past several months. The doctors call it "controlled". We have been so excited and grateful because if you didn't know she was epileptic, you would never know she had anything "wrong" with her. She is a completely normally developed almost 2 year old with a personality that lights up any room. She is kind, smart, talks our heads off, plays, and gives the best kisses and Moana Hugs.


God gives you hard things. Yes, it sucks (for lack of a better word). You wonder, "Why me?" You cry, curse, daydream, and wonder when your life will change and this horrible nightmare will be over. Not just for us, but for Ellie, for our family! He gives you hard things, so other people might be able to see God through you and your walk in your trial. You can be helpful to someone who is jumping the same hurdle.

And you know what??

I have been helpful. I have eased worried mothers' minds. I have told our experience to others scared to begin theirs. I have seen hope through this trial and our sweet baby girl's smile. I hope to always be a beacon of light for someone dealing with something like this. Anything like this. You can be that beacon too. I am an annoyingly positive person at times, but I truly believe God gave us Ellie. He made her the way she is for a reason. That reason has got to bring some good to this world. I am confident the reason is that someone else who thought they wouldn't make it through the same trial, saw me or my husband, and was able to take another step. That keeps me going. That makes it okay. Ellie is healthy. She is "perfect" most days. I would never wish anything bad on my child, but knowing I was given this opportunity of helping others through it, means God trusts me for something way bigger. He trusts Ellie Mae for something way bigger too and she is going to do magnificent things on this Earth!

God didn't give me the perfect child. He didn't give you one either, but it doesn't change the perfections we see in them daily. Thank God for imperfect children. They are the ones that will change this world.